I sit down to write.
I really want to. I want my words to flow like they used to.
Every second day I wake up with thoughts. With stories. With words I wish would
build into fantasies.
And then I stare at a blank screen.
It is tough to express nowadays.
As it’s tough to understand who I was and who I am.
I believe I haven’t reached my mid life and yet I seem to have lived multiple lives.
A present now of unrecognizable identity.
And so I begin my schizo-analytic essay.
I am beyond an expression.
I have fears that distorts my mind when climbing down stairs.
I have a mind to calm down from the wilderness lived previously.
It’s a process I tell myself and then I smile a wicked thought.
I stare down my balcony and have a vision of falling off.
An anxious moment where im unable to decipher the difference in reality and
I don’t want to be this. And I want to tell you all about me.
Im shy. I used to be.
My world was an empty bath tub. A book. A mind.
A mind filled with my own words. Looking to find meanings.
Looking to find someone to express to.
Looking to let go.
Waiting on walls to talk back.
And then I wrote. I wrote down all that was screaming inside.
I wrote so I wouldn’t die inside.
And that’s when it all started.
One seeking answers.
The Other answering questions.
The Other forming an identity.
Staring outside. Stuck indoors.
That was the feeling of constant rain in my head.
The words pouring out on pages and pages of muck.
It wasn’t evil.
It was just self-exploration.
But going all wrong.
Still feeling trapped.
I would walk around and smile to people.
Unsure of the “why”.
Wasn’t it them? My mind would ask.
Them strapping me down.
Expecting their reality from me.
Without answering my raging mind.
I reread my thoughts.
They seemed redundant.
I had to get out.
It wasn’t an escape.
I just needed my answers.
I filled my tub with mud.
I drizzled it with some water.
I left my world with petrichor.
And the rain continued.
Followed me into my new venture.
This time I ran.
The Other had more company.
But so did responsibility.
I was seeking a new world.
This time it was slightly evil.
I walked around with just a dark angry cloud.
I wouldn’t let it pour.
I was letting the ship sink.
Sink in deep.
I was wild.
Letting the world of spirits take over The Other.
But I was still looking outside. Trapped inside.
For a while I stopped seeking.
The clouds got heavier.
But I wouldn’t let it pour.
I was losing control.
I was risking myself.
And then it started.
Overcome with toxin.
The walls talking back.
They really did
And then the ocean.
The sounds of the waves would block all the noise in my head.
They had their tune.
A tune I could groove to.
I would be the Pied Piper.
I controlled the waves.
I had a connect.
Each time the wave broke out at my feet. I felt calm.
And then it all got distorted again.
My mind couldn’t understand the irony of the stillness in the air and the rush of the
waves. All in one moment.
The sound remained.
Like white noise.
Soon it was unbearable.
The cloud was the darkest ever.
The Other finding no answers.
I had to let it pour.
This time I ran faster.
And further away.
The Other seeking a way to let it out.
I started to reflect.
From all that I had been running from.
I didn’t understand it at all.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to look for.
What to express.
I just knew I couldn’t feel trapped anymore.
And then I found you.
I still don’t understand reality.
My Other is still seeking answers.
I am not tame. And can never be.
But this is me.
I am true.
I am not who everyone sees.
I have so many scars.
Scars that make me smile.
Scars that make me sad.
But I have learnt to express.
And so I write to you.
Of who I have been.
Wanting to thank you for accepting me.
This new world is ours.
It has it’s cracks.
Fears and fights.
But Our world.
And it is in sync.